just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
