I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
