I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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