some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
