Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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