70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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