Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
