Define "chronic" masturbator.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
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