Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
