Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
