Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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