Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
