He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize