i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
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