she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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