she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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