So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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