a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
