Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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