Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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