I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
