This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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