I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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