Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
