Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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