i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
