There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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