Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
