plz talk dirty to me
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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