Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
