i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
