i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
