Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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