why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
