If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
