I think I died a long time ago.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I love you. Go after that dick
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
