There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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