he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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