mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
