My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
