My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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