proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
if only i could text you this smell
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
