we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
