be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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