apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i just made my gag reflex go away.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
