that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
