I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
