the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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