I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I think people are normalizing furries
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
