Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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