This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
