wat bout pragnant strippers??
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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