The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
