I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
