Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
