Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
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