We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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