You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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