Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
